Disclaimer: I apologise for any individuals who do not fit this list, these are light-hearted generalisations based on myself and girls with AS in my acquaintance. It is not meant as serious advice.
10. We are not clingy. Sick of girls who must know your whereabouts at all times? Over her calling every day? Had enough of her going ballistic because you waited two whole hours to respond to her text? Then I can guarantee your girlfriend is neurotypical. Girls with AS are an independent bunch. We like spending time with you, really we do, but if you call more than a few times a week, we feel stifled. If you are living with an AS girl, expect to be briefly acknowledged in the evenings before she goes off to pursue her own interests – meaning that you can too! Oh and one date night a week is more than enough, thank you.
- We like hugs. No really. With the recent rise of pamphlet psychiatrists in the world comes manyl broad misconceptions about individuals with AS. One of the most widely believed and upsetting of these is that we hate physical contact of any kind. Well fellas, while people with HFA frequently seem to, most if not all girls with AS that I have met would say that they love to be held. In fact, because we often aren’t good at verbalising feelings, this is a great way for us to express how we feel about you but -
- We do not overdo PDA. As said before, we don’t mind a bit of hand holding or lap sitting with our one-and-only in polite company. Spontaneity, however, is something we are not known for. Don’t expect us to pounce on you mid sentence in a crowded room and start sucking your face off. Not unless you want us too, anyway.
- Buying us presents is easy. Because of our restrictive cognitive functioning, we develop so - called ‘specific interests’, hobbies or subjects that take up a lot of our time and conversation. Find out what our current interests are (should take about two minutes of conversation max) and buy us something related to that. Relatively painless for you, we feel like you care – everyone wins.
- We are always on time. We have photographic memories and more often than not neurotic fears about being late, so we will always remember what time you intent to show up and how long it takes to get to the restaurant/cinema/party. There’s none of this screwing about for half an hour putting on make up or finding the perfect pair of shoes to match the hand bag and accentuate my waist. We’ll have figured this out long in advance and timed our prettification to be all done upon your arrival.
- Looks are not a priority. This prettification I mentioned in no. 6 is not extensive anyway. We don’t spend a lot of time putting our faces on or choosing clothes. The reasons for this are a combination of our aforementioned rigid cognition, motivation, poor self esteem and that tendency we have to feel like quietly rebelling against something. So even if you spring an outing on us, you most likely won’t be waiting too long for us to get ready. Also, this goes both ways. You should be assured that we are dating you because of your personality. We get used to being hated on by beautiful people so the main thing we find attractive is kindness and compassion. So you don’t ever need to worry about not being cute, fashionable or buff enough for us. Treat us right and you could be a swamp creature for all we notice.
- Your friends belong to you alone. When guys get together, there’s always one that insists upon bringing the girlfriend along, or she maybe she insists on being there. She then proceeds to sit on the edge of the group, clinging resolutely to the boyfriends arm with one hand and texting or checking the nails of the other. The only contributions to the conversation are a prissy lip curl in response to a dirty joke or a half hearted “that’s so funny.” As for girls with AS, we prefer to stay away. It’s not necessarily that we respect your right to your own space, or that we don’t erase all facets of a non shared life once we are in a relationship. This sort of situation makes us uncomfortable, so we bow out and let boys be boys for awhile.
- Change scares us. How is that a good thing, you ask? Well, sometimes it’s plain annoying, sure. But it has its perks. Namely, chances are a girl with AS will not be pressuring you to commit. For most of us, changes in life that will shake up our day to day living in a big way, such as moving in, getting married and having children. make us nervous. NT girls who are having nesting urges might be pressuring you to move in within a few weeks, to get engaged within months, and even to have children within a year or two. Not so with the AS afflicted female. If things are comfortable in the relationship we are perfectly happy to stay in that situation for years. That’s not to say that we won’t commit under the right circumstances. If you think you are at that stage with your AS girl, make sure you move slowly.
- We do not read minds. Ok, NT girls don’t either. The difference is, we don’t pretend to just to stir you up. From your NT girlfriend, you are far more likely to hear things like:
“You think I’m fat!”
“I know you’re angry…”
“I know you still like her…”
The average adult with AS comes with shattered self esteem. We spend our whole lives being assured that it is impossible for us to empathise with the thoughts of others. As a result, we still draw conclusions about behaviours of yours we don’t understand, but we don’t trust our own instincts. If you do something we just don’t get, we will ask you about it out right.
- We try really, really hard. Anyone with a disability is constantly made to feel like a second class citizen and a burden on their loved ones on a daily basis. If you give us a chance, we will try our best to make you happy.
Love always,
Voyager
