Cutting the fat: Week 1

After one week I am down 1 kg.

Nnnnnnot bad.  Luckily this regime hasn’t got my daily routine too out of order.

My weight loss could be more, but I haven’t exactly been careful with what I eat. Sticking to my diet is fine when I first wake up, but the later it gets, and the less awake but unable to fall asleep I become, the less I’m able to listen to reason concerning what effect eating a sizable snack has on my metabolism.

Sticking to my conditioning regime hasn’t been that difficult.  I’m going to stick to the same routine for a few weeks or so before I think about changing my reps.  I’ve just got to make sure I get it done early in the day because longer I leave it in the day, the less motivated I feel.

My biggest issue by far however is my knee.  Now we all know that cardio exercise is great for weight loss but I’ve had to ease up on the running since the reemergence of pains in my knee similar of the last time I tore my meniscus.  Naturally, I’m worried.  This doesn’t affect my conditioning regime but it really bothers me that I can’t work on my leg strength or cardio fitness at the moment.  I going to have it checked out in a few days and see if it’s an easy fix.  I am aware it doesn’t work like that but hey – a girl can dream!

Just keep swimming,

Voyager

I experience the C in OCD

I’m aware that I haven’t talked at all about my OCD on this blog yet.   The main reason for this is that I really don’t have the words to explain it.  The things I feel compelled to do might seem mundane but to me, these intrusive images, compulsions and the feelings of anxiety if I can’t carry them out are very upsetting.  I feel the less I talk about it, the less I think about it, the better.  This is important for my diagnosis, mind you.   People with OCD are aware of the unreasonable nature of their thoughts and actions, separating this from being just another feature of Asperger syndrome.

So within this just-ignore-it-and-it-might-go-away tactic I live by, not acknowledging my compulsions means that I do indulge them with in reason to settle the violence in my head. Usually this doesn’t cause me too much grief.

Then this morning I lost my tape measure.

Allow me to elaborate…I have many compulsions, one of which is to measure my waist.  I might do this between five to fifteen times a day, when I get up, when I’ve been to the toilet, after my conditioning regime, before and after I eat…basically, any time I feel (unrealistically) that I’ve done something that may make a difference to my waistline.

Anyway, when I woke up this morning I opened my bedside drawer to find…no tape measure.  I sat there, confused.  I measured myself last night, didn’t I?  Then what?  Did I throw it on my desk…no.  In my underwear drawer…no.   Or did it disappear into the black hole under my bed?

My reasonable self was telling me to get on with business so I started to tidy my room, hoping it will show up.  But one tidy room and no tape measure later, I came to the conclusion that I will have to do without it for the foreseeable future.  A bizarre but not unfamiliar uneasiness is growing in my mind, but I had assignments that had to get done somehow.

In the end, I didn’t accomplish a lot that day.   I can’t even talk about the things that were going through my head but let me assure you they weren’t pleasant. I couldn’t concentrate on my studies.  Every time I sat down and opened my books, I would spring up five minutes later and start pacing.  I did a lot of pacing.  My roommate noted that I looked ‘wired’ and offered me a beer.  I burst into tears, first because I couldn’t measure its effects, then at myself for having such a moronic thought.

I found my tape measure cleaning out my craft shelf that night and silenced my thoughts by measuring up a storm.  I can’t describe the cleansing feeling this had on my head – suddenly I was thinking clearly and logically again. I laughed with my roommate about my emotional blowout that day, which I blamed on ‘womens troubles.’ (I’m not kidding – he totally bought it too!)  It’s ridiculous that I continue to let these compulsions control me, I know.  Unfortunately with OCD, as I said before, knowing this is part of the problem – not the solution.

Voyager

Cutting the fat - step 1

Like I said last time, I'm trying to get fit.

The first step to getting my fabulous physique back?  A killer exercise regime.

It turns out that coming up with a workout schedule is a whole lot more fun that actually doing it, but whatever.

I’ve tried to come up with some exercises to target different parts of my body.  Apart from aesthetics, getting stronger, particularly in my core and lower body, would make life a lot easier.

Like many people on the spectrum I have issues developing and maintaining basic muscle tone.  Many gym exercises are damaging to me because I don’t have the strength to support myself so other parts of my body try to compensate.  If I’m going to do this, I’ve got to be informed.  I unearthed some of my old exercise sheets from my physio and have come up with the following for strengthening my back.

-          superman hold – 30 seconds

-          reverse leg raises – lie on stomach, lift one leg behind without moving hips, hold for 5 seconds, place back down.  Repeat 15 times on each side.

That’s the back.  Now, for the core…I don’t carry a lot of weight around my midsection so I consider it one of my best features.  It’s popped out a little of late, so even though it’s not really a problem area, it’s the one that’s got me the most freaked out.  My stomach muscles are hardier than my non existent back, so I’m tempted to do 500 crunches but that’s no good for my back.  But I will still be brutal.  Here is my proposed ab routine –

-          40 sit ups, fingers to knees

-          40 crunches

-          40 side crunches, 20 on each side

-          5 V ups (that’s all I can do – will be looking to increases that.)

-          Dish hold – 30 secs

-          50 dish rocks (optional, depending on how my back feels)

As for upper body – there's no benefit for me really – I just love toned arms!  My goals are to accomplish ONE pullup and chin up and to be able to do 40 ‘man’ pushups.  So far I can do about 15, but I’ll do as many as I can and make up the rest of the 40 with ‘girl’ pushups.  Then I can increase the number of ‘man’ pushups every few weeks.  A major concern also is what can only be described as my congenital lack of tricep muscles.  I’ll definitely be looking to develop those.

-          40 pushups

-          20 tricep pushups (on knees)

-          20 diamond pushups (on knees)

-          20 tricep dips

-          5 hand stands held as long as possible

-          2 30 sec tuck handstand hold on bed

So that’s it, my conditioning regime.  I’ll aim to do that 5 times a week. 

Cardio is going to be harder because my right knee is threatening to cave in.  This means no running, and biking is out as I don’t own one and I don’t have a gym membership.  I have however been learning how to skate recently, and as my physio technically didn’t say I couldn’t do that, I’ll settle for 3 practice skate sessions a week.

That’s the plan, anyway.  Time will tell if I stick with it, but I have a good feeling.

Happy travels,

Voyager

Thoughts on an Aspergian friend - Limited by ourselves

Recently my Mum ran into the mother of a friend from school.  I hadn’t seen her for awhile, but at the time we and our parents had bonded over the fact that we were both on the spectrum.

We were similar in a lot of ways.  We had been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome around the same time in year seven.  Both of us were gifted academically but struggled with our concentration and motivation.  We had no idea how to deal other teenagers, and were each others only friend, ostracised and bullied by all other students and teachers.  Then from about year nine onward, we drifted apart.  Personality wise, we were chalk and cheese.  She was happy to languish in her anxiety and depression problems.  She never wanted to go out, talk about positive things or put effort in her schoolwork or relationships.  She saw no reason to be giving back to the world that had hurt her so much.  As for me, I wanted to try and fit in, learn how to study properly and create a network of neurotypical friends.  She saw my foray into the world of ‘normal’ people as a betrayal and I thought she was being a coward.  After high school, we lost contact.

I knew that we graduated from our respective university degrees at the same time, and I was worried about her.  I can’t see her having the presence of mind to search for jobs, practice for interviews or take the time to write a professional looking resume.  It doesn’t help that she has graduated from a program that has very few jobs available, and I just don’t know how she would handle the corporate world.

As Mum relayed back to me what her mum had said, it seemed my fears were accurate.  Turns out her lack of pro-activity was not just a phase.  Seven months out of the degree, she is unemployed, living at her parents’ house, with no car, no money of her own, and no friends.  The problem, her mum lamented, is that she really isn’t qualified for her dream job.  Her grades were not good enough to get into the post graduate program that she needs.  But she won’t consider another direction, or get a lower position to work her way up.  She did take a counselling job, but she kept getting in trouble for discussing her own mental health problems with clients.  She was told to adhere to the guidelines set out for her, she refused and they let her go.  Her view of life is just too rigid.  Modifying her behaviour would help her out of her rut but she won’t change.  If I’m a Voyager, she’s more of a Houseboat.

Let’s look at where I am comparatively for a minute.  While I feel like I’ve learned some life lessons that she has yet to realise, I would not say I’m faring a whole lot better than her.  Since my early teens I’ve tried denying I had a problem, desperate to live the ‘neurotypical dream.’  The result was a breakdown in which I was forced to face the reality of my disability, and get realistic about my future.  The Houseboat – yes, I’m making that stick – needs to start thinking this way too, hopefully sans nervous breakdown

Having Asperger syndrome might have seemed quirky and subtle while we were at school but both of our futures are in question now.  All of the other kids with AS that I know are still in school, so I can’t compare any further.  In the meantime, I worry.  We may be intelligent, and certainly capable of being valuable employees.  But are our impaired social skills preventing this intelligence from being applied to finding and keeping a job?

I want to change to become easily communicative.  I want to change her so she wants to change her outlook.  But longing to be normal has done no good for me in the past.  All I can do is hope that somehow, someday, we’ll find a way to be ok.

Voyager